When Slurve decided to start its Foul Tips advice section last year, we knew of only one man who could fill the position. And while the esteemed Dr. Dave and his turban-wearing counterpart Madame Dave have offered invaluable advice on everything from Facebook stalkers to actual stalkers, from getting ahead to getting even, not to mention the psychic readings, it became clear that some advice was best given by a real life female rather than an aging poet and English professor who sometimes wears his wife’s costume jewelry for fun.
So when we met Laura Gelles we wanted to get her out on the field as soon as possible. Without further adieu, four-time Emmy nominee, former supervising producer of "The Rosie O’Donnell Show” and unofficial sex advisor to “The Daily Show”, and now Slurve’s Sr. Sophistication Expert and dispenser of unsolicited advice, Laura Gelles.
Laura: Thanks. I’m really excited to be on team Slurve.
Slurve: And we’re really excited to have you. But with all your past accomplishments, we have to ask…don’t you have better things to do?
Laura: Well, I’ve been looking to get out of the superficial world that is television, and bring together those who are not yet together, and Slurve seemed like a good place to do it. Besides, do you know how good it feels to put in my two cents and get paid exactly that much for it?
Slurve: Well it does make you our highest paid writer. So what makes you feel like you're qualified to give advice?
Laura: Who said anything about being qualified?
Slurve: Well, if you’re not qualified…
Laura: Yes, but I realized there were people out there that know even less than I do. So let’s go you unstylish people and sports dorks! You need to learn how to score.
Slurve: Or get to first, second, third, or home, or stop striking out, or pitch better...it could take hours to get through them all. Any idea why so many sex metaphors involve baseball?
Laura: That’s easy. A diamond is forever.
Slurve: What would you say to a woman whose guy preferred watching the Oscars to a Sporting Event?
Laura: I’d tell them to watch out. They may find themselves in a situation where they’re competing over dating the same guy.
Slurve: Would you recommend to women that knowing things like a Sac Fly isn’t an insect or a Four Bagger isn’t a description for a really ugly person could help them relate better to guys?
Laura: No. I care enough to be willing but I’m not willing to care.
Slurve: Do you have any advice for women who think their men like sports better than they like them and are probably right?
Laura: Second guessing slows things down.
Slurve: Finally, hotter to guys: lingerie or nothing on but an oversized sports jersey?
Laura: Are you joking? What nerd wrote this? Duh…I’m going with neither. Don’t you know the answer is always “Get Naked”? To any question. Try it with all of the above.