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Youngish Couple to Support 46 Million Retired Baby Boomers
by Ethan Goffman   
A new study released today by the Institute for the Advancement of Younger Generations found that by the year 2027, John and Jean Johnson of Normal, Illinois will be supporting some 46 million retired baby boomers through their jobs as an auto technician and a registered nurse.  The Johnsons are slightly younger than the slacker Generation X and slightly older than the Millennials, who are currently on a trajectory of permanent unemployment due to the Great Recession. 

youngcouple1The couple, 27 and 28, are projected to be some of the last remaining human employees in a nearly fully automated system, and the taxes from their income are being counted on to support nearly 40% of the baby boomer population as they create psychedelic art and hand crafted jewelry, reform long dormant garage rock bands, engage in wheelchair races, protest against the system except that part of it which supports their lifestyle, and partake of medical marijuana into their golden years.

“Sure I’m nervous,” said Jean Johnson when informed of her forthcoming responsibilities.  “With two young children and a college debt and mortgage to pay off, I won’t say that the idea of taking care of 46 million baby boomers hasn’t kept me up at nights.”  Her husband was unavailable for comment, having rolled into a fetal position like some late-term abortion, emitting an occasional whimper.

Help is not on the way from an elite class of multimillionaires and billionaires, who will have sheltered all their money on offshore islands or outer space tax havens by 2025.  “Expecting CEOs to pay taxes will squelch all their initiative and bring our economy to a screeching halt, destroying everything that made America great,” explained Grover Norquist of the Club for Growth.  “We sympathize with the Johnsons, but if they keep their chins up high and start grabbing those baby boomers' bootstraps, I have no doubt they will persevere through difficult times."

Some analysts think that retiree benefits may need to be trimmed to provide some relief for the Johnsons, but that proposal faces strong opposition.  “The boomers have worked hard and deserve all the benefits we can think of, plus many that we can’t now conceive,” said A. Barry Rand, CEO of the senior advocacy group AARP.  “Plus seniors vote and donate to political campaigns, so any politicians who dare to interfere can do so over our cold, dead baby boomer bodies.  Or rather over their cold, dead political careers.”

Other analysts don't trust the results at all.  "This model predicts that the Johnsons are going to win an 800 billion dollar jackpot in 2019, so I don't see how anyone would think this study is the least bit credible," said Niles Fenderlongen, head statistician at the National Statstics Inititute. 

Hestrom Willager, who was primarly responsible for feeding the data to the EPICAC XVII, was quick to respond to these allegations. "We fed the machine billions of variables, including variables that account for variables we didn't think to account for, and create a certain amount of random variability.  The Johnsons won a substantial lottery in every single one of our two simulations. That can't just be a coincidence."

This news didn't raise the Johnson's spirit too much though.  "In one of those two simulations, we lose all our winnings, and most of our savings as a result of the great stock market implosion of 2026, so we don't know exactly what's going to happen, but it would appear that there are quite a number of baby boomers counting on us.
 
Slurve Magazine (c) 2010

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